Fertilizer Control, Inc

The 2nd Amendment Revised

"A steady supply of food being necessary to the health of a free State, the right to purchase and use nitrogen based fertilizer shall not be infringed.

"Let this be the Charter Statement of the National Fertilizer Association, an organization dedicated to the proposition that it is the God given right of every American to purchase and use nitrogen based Fertilizer."

A Lobbyist Replies

Everyone knows that people don't grow bombs^H^H^H^H^Hfood, fertilizers do. And people without NBF would be FAR less likely to inflict bad food upon one another. Why, I'll bet O J would never have been indicted if he hadn't been forced to eat strained beet TV dinners at bomb-point.

We at FCI are holding a politically correct doberman to the president's head until she signs our bill making evil assault fertilizers illegal. We are NOT just talking about nitrogen-based fertilizers, either. We demand the instant removal, production cessation, banning, and outlawing of ALL fertilizers - natural or otherwise.

The newly formed BATF (Bureau of Assaulting The Fertilizers) will be empowered to use politicaly correct, federally endorsed, non-evyl assault machine cannons to enforce this.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: How did FCI come about?
A: Fertilizer Control, Inc, came about when Vance Foster, a close friend
   and counsel of the President, stopped to smell the roses in a park in
   Washington, DC.  Nitrogen-based fertilizers leapt up and drilled a
   hole right through him, in an incredibly uninformed attempt to feed
   him as they did the roses.  His widow, Sarah Foster, decided to start
   FCI and solicit contributions upon the realization that her ex-husband's
   life insurance policy had an exclusion for death "as a result of
   fertilizers and other acts of food growth".  President Clinton has vowed
   to have a fertilizer amendment as part of the next crime act.  Her
   husband is also very outspoken on this issue.

Q: Don't politicians create an awful lot of fertilizer?
A: Federal, state, and local bureaucrats (and, hopefully, soon, New World
   Order bureaucrats) are naturally exempt, as they not only have only your
   best interests at heart, the mere fact that they are willing and
   able to enter public service places their motivations and actions
   completely above suspicion, as opposed to the rest of you foolish,
   anarchical, nasty little thugs.

Q: What about my roses?
A1: The strong shall survive.
A2: If God wants your roses to survive, let God fertilize your roses.
   [See? We appeal to everyone's beliefs.]

Q: What about ``natural fertilizers''?
A: We recognize that the average citizen has been manipulated by the
   Forces of Evyl (Burpee, etc) to believe that fertilizers are not
   only natural, but a God & Constitution given right, when in reality
   they are nothing of the sort.  Today we are working to stop manmade
   fertilizers - but after that we will even be after cow poop, dead
   animals, grass cutting, etc.

Q: What is your ultimate goal?
A: The elimination (sic) of all sorts of fertilizers and the entire
   process of fertilization itself.  To this end we are working on a
   Federally Approved nuclear device to sterilize the entire planet
   once and for all.

"We know what's best for you. Trust us."

Copyright 1995 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.