Ohio At a Glance

by Miles O'Neal, Jetlag, Ltd.

I once spent a couple of days in Cinncinnati, which I thought was a very nice city. My only other exposure was to people from Cleveland and Akron (perhaps all the chemicals from the rubber plants explain their behavior), and Andy.

At any rate, Andy has lived in Ohio for years.

Ohio at a Glance

Capital:                          Cleveland?  Akron?  Mt Vernon?
Size:                             small-medium
Population:                       About the same
Heartland of the U.S. of A.:      yes
Nickname:                         The Burning River State
Major Industries:                 pumpkins, wheat, weirdos, burnt water,
                                  air pollution
Incredibly Minor Industries:      music
Educational Ranking:              mid pack

Ohio (the Burning River State)

by Andy Whitman

(I couldn't have said it anywhere near as good - Miles)

Someone said... "Well back in the brief time I lived in Ohio, I remember the rivers catching on fire if that gives you a hint..."

That's our big claim to fame.

Seven presidents
home of the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
home state of the first man to orbit the earth and the first man to walk upon the moon
the birthplace of the tomato (that's right. It was a Buckeye who first dared to eat the fruit of the deadly nightshade family)
the spawning grounds of
Dean Martin
Rebeccah Schaeffer (Miss America of 1979)
Pee Wee Herman
Paul Lynde, the star of Hollywood Squares (from my hometown of Mount Vernon, Ohio, I'll have you know. It says so right on the sign as you come into town.)
home to the largest Amish population in the world
the largest state fair in the world
the most gargantuan university in the world
the biggest molded butter cow in the world
possessor of more fast food burger restaurants than the entire continent of Europe

And what do people remember? The river catching on fire.

There's more, of course.

Much more.

Like the fact that several major insecticides were developed here.
And hybrid corn.
Like the Danville Turkey Festival, where more turkeys are displayed than any other turkey show in the known universe.
Like the Circleville Pumpkin Show, where you can actually buy pumpkin ice cream and pumpkin burgers, and witness pumpkins the size of mobile homes.
Like the Our Lady of Perpetual Harvest shrine near Findlay, where Mary's face miraculously appears on the side of a silo.

You would think that those kinds of attractions might warrant some attention -- maybe a national park near the shrine, or four stars in the AAA book, or something. But noooooo.

We're the state where the river catches fire.

But I know the truth. This is a state of infinite variety --

not only corn,
but soybeans
and alfalfa
and hay
and virtually any legume you could name.
Not only big cities with small town mentalities,
but actual small towns,
and tiny hamlets with small town mentalities.
Not only McDonald's,
but Burger King
and Wendy's
and Rally's
and the various roast beef restaurants that also serve burgers.

So enough of this one-dimensional stereotyping.

Ohio -- it's more than a (burning) river.

Last updated: 12 Oct 1994

Copyright 1994 Andy J. Whitman, Mt. Vernon, OH. All rights reserved. Free redistribution of this article is allowed so long as this copyright and the author's name are attached, but all other uses require the author's permission.

Miles O'Neal <roadkills.r.us@XYZZY.gmail.com> [remove the "XYZZY." to make things work!] c/o RNN / 1705 Oak Forest Dr / Round Rock, TX / 78681-1514