The Constitution of The United States of Roadkills-R-Us


We the people and roadkill of Roadkills-R-Us, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of Roadkills-R-Us.


  1. ALL power in this Nation is vested in the President.
  2. THE President is specifically authorized to:
    • Declare War
    • Declare Peace
    • Act as Sole Judge and Jury in all lawsuits and criminal trials brought before the Supreme Court of this Nation.
    • Approve all new products, Unaprove any old products, and Set Pricing, Marketing, Sales, Hiring, Termination, Right-sizing, Wrong-sizing, and any other Guidelines, Strategies, and Tactics as smrtz may deem necessary, desired, or otherwise brought into being for any reason, whatsoever. Selah.
    • Succeed smrtzself indefinitely via cloning technology or other means, or otherwise provide for smrtz succession, at the sole discretion of smrtzself.
    • Declare, define, and otherwise describe any National resources, products, symbols, and so forth, such as the National Flag, National Beatle, National Ice Cream Flavor, National Anthem, etc.
    • Recognize other Nations, including CyberNations, and enter into agreements, treaties, and other types of national intercourse, so long as the said intercourse would not violate this Nation's security or other interests.
  3. THE President may not, under any circumstances:
    • align this Nation with any other nation except for purposes of defense.
    • yield this Nation to the authority of any other nation, except to prevent utter destruction in times of war.
    • suspend roadkill.
  4. THE President is Commander in Chief of this Nation's military.
  5. THE President must be invited to all Tex-Mex meals.
  6. THE Supreme Court of this Nation shall be the Only Court of this Nation.
  7. THIS Nation shall not recognize any other nation's court of law as having jurisdiction over this Nation, its resources, or its citizens. All legal actions in such courts are hereby declared Null and Void.
  8. CERTAIN inalienable rights are vested in all citizens of this Nation. These include:
    • The right to keep and bear arms.
    • The right to fight back.
    • The right to freedom of speech.
    • The right to a free press.
    • The right to freedom of religion.
    • Ownership of all roadkill found on their property.
    • The right to life.
    • The right to liberty.
    • The right to the pursuit of Happiness.
    • The right to beat the tar out of anyone suing them frivolously.
    • The right to beat the tar out of that dudu's lawyer[s], as well.
    • The right to encrypt and decrypt.
    • The right to Habeus' Corpus.
    • The right to poke fun at others, especially political figures, overpaid entertainers (including athletes), and morons fouling up the computer and networking world, without having to worry about harassment, lawsuits, dunnage, Guido, or any other form of reciprocity.
    • The right to play loud music.
    • The right to dress in any non-obscene manner desired without having to listen to smart-aleck remarks about it. In particular, hats and hairstyles of any type are thoroughly allowed.
    • The right to make mistakes.
    • The right to keep and arm bears.
    • Any other rights they can think of, unless specifically forbidden by the President.
  9. LEGALLY born arms are any weapons not generally considered Weapons of Mass destruction (such as nuclear bombs, viruses, and taxes).
  10. FREE speech shall not include strong, vile, foul or obnoxious language in the presence of those it might offend, except in mild cases, especially when under fire.
  11. THE right to a free press in no manner suggests that the press must provide anything for free. Nor does it imply that the People (or the Roadkill, or the Product) have any Right to Know.
  12. FREEDOM of religion means that anyone can worship any way they dang well please, including joining ridiculous cults, so long as such worship in no way violates the rights of another.
  13. THE right to life begins at conception.
  14. THE right to life ends with death.
  15. THE dead have a right to tasteful packaging, sufficient freezer space, good marketing, and fair market pricing.
  16. ANY and all rights may be abridged, revoked, suspended or pureed upon conviction of a felony, at the sole discretion of the Judge and Jury.
  17. Attempting to sue for spilling hot coffee in one's own lap is prima facie evidence of felonious intent.
  18. THE right to pursue Happiness doesn't guarantee that you will catch it.
  19. To possess Habeus' Corpus, one must first identify Habeus. Intentionally killing Habeus for reason of possessing Habeus' Corpus is Not Allowed.
  20. NO one may trademark a single letter or number, even when in combination with an item of punctuation; no one may trademark a phrase in common, or even uncommon, usage. Attempting to enforce such a trademark shall be considered evidence of criminal stupidity.
  21. ALL rights are subject to, and considered in light of, the Golden Rule:

    Treat others as you wish to be treated.

    Violations of this rule will be subject to prosecution. Extreme violations may be punishable by roadkill.

  22. A CITIZEN is defined as:
    • anyone possessing a valid ID issued by this Nation, such as a driver's license, concealed carry permit, RRU ID, or passport,
    • any fictitious person the President may choose to designate,
    • anyone who can show that an RRU product bears their likeness or other identifying mark, or
    • anyone bringing large enough bribes to the President.
  23. THE President is, ipso facto, a citizen.
  24. NON-CITIZENS have no rights, per se, and exist within the unlimited borders of this Nation solely at the sufferance of the President. However, all the rights of citizenship shall be accorded a non-citizen, so long as said non-citizen shall act responsibly, and not against the good of this Nation, its citizens, its roadkill, or other resident non-citizens.
  25. THE citizens of this Nation are entitled to a System of Checks and Balances. Therefore, if any citizen shall issue a check for a reasonable amount (at the sole determination of the President), the President shall provide the citizen with a mechanical balance, complete with at least 5 appropriate weights.
  26. DURING times of Clear and Present Danger, certain portions of this Constitution may be suspended by executive order of the President. No one, not even the President, may know which portions may be suspended, even during such suspense.
  27. THIS document may not be modified, abridged, condensed, reconstituted with water, amended, abended, or otherwise messed with except by decree of the President.


  1. The Right to Privacy
  2. Signed: Miles O'Neal, Gloria Glasshead, Suzi Styrofoam, Michelle Debinhex, Michael Debinhex, Esq., P.I.

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