INDIAN TERRORISM
(ASCII, New Delhi) This week, the nation of India ran 3 (in a signed, limited edition series of 500) nuclear tests. According to sources at the Indian consulate, each test was carried out ``in a remote area of no value to anyone, with no loss of truly human life''.
The Pakistan government denounced the tests and demanded reparations for the three cities destroyed by the Indians. In an official pronouncement, an Indian official apologized to Pakistan, explaining ``We thought those were prairie dog towns''. Pakistan is rumored to be planning tests of their own, ``in worthless deserts approximately half way between our borders.''
Noted political analyst Miles O'Neal, speaking from his hacienda in an undisclosed location in the Texas Hill Country, provided this explanation of why India has begun nuclear testing. ``In a nutshell, it's Tom Clancy's fault. His last couple of novels portrayed India as the heavy, and they had nuclear weapons. He provoked them, and now we're all paying the price.''
The State department confirmed this analysis, and is offering India an alternate test site of a small island in the Pacific, if they will agree to cease testing after demolishing the island. According to federal records, the island is inhabited only by a suicidal, anonymous man relocated to the island under the Federal Protection of Everyone But Tom Clancy Relocation Act, passed just today by a record pair of unanimous votes in both houses, and signed into law only seconds later by the President.
NATO sent troops into the area, disguised in UN uniforms, to run war games and hopefully ``scare both sides back into worrying about things that matter, such as more parking spaces for the UN.'' For the first time ever, troops from Russia and the North Pole are taking part in an alleged NATO exercise.
US TERRORISM
(NRBQ, Washington, DC) The US Government continued its ``simulated urban wartime scenarios'' today by dropping elite units from all branches of the armed forces into San Antonio, despite the Mayor's and City Council's refusal to cooperate with the feds. Ordinarily these maneuvers take place in abandoned parts of cities, with ``very little collateral damage''. In San Antonio, however, US Army commandos dropped straight into a city council meeting, and obliterated city hall. Neither the Mayor nor any members of the City Council have been seen since, but General Mayhem at the Pentagon assured the city the missing people were ``in a much better, safer place''.In other recent war game scenarios, over $100,000 in private property was destroyed in New Orleans, and a stray bullet hit a cafe in Miami. General Mayhem responded to critics in a prepared speech. ``You have to look at these in context. The city of New Orleans loses that much property every minute during Mardi Gras. In Miami, stray bullets from drug-related gang fights kill more people than drunk drivers. So what's the big deal?''
RECORD INDUSTRY TERRORISM
(ASCAP, Nashville) Yesterday, the world lost one of its foremost singing voices when Frank ``the Fink'' Sonata died at the age of 82 (or in Internet years, 1,435). Shortly before dying, Frank learned that the Justice Department was considering charges against his ``blood brothers'', the Gambinos. Sonata sent his longtime side kick, Danny ``Torpedo head'' Lamborghini, to testify in a private meeting with Janet Reno.According to Reno, ``Lamborghini crawled into my office, wheezing like a Pinto on its last legs in Boulder. He threatened to break my kneecaps if we didn't "lay off Sonata", but when I refused, he only managed to gum my shins. He was so pathetic I didn't have the heart to go after him on racketeering or any major felony charges, so I just had him arrested for attempted lechery.''
Justice Department spokespersons insist that their dropping charges had nothing to do with Torpedo head's threats, but were a result of a lack of hard evidence. ``But we're still probing,'' said an anonymous detective. ``for instance, we have three men down at the Tower Records warehouse subpoenaing all the Sonata albums they can find, just in case there are any, um, secret messages or anything.''
MUSIC COLLECTOR TERRORISM
(QSL, Los Angeles) A sudden run on the market for Sonata albums has driven prices drastically upwards. The Fed is considering declaring Sonata CDs legal tender to better control the economy. Nobody is quite sure who is buying all the CDs or why, but the Justice Department assures us they are looking into it.GUATAMEXICAN TERRORISM
(GSQ, Quetzal Coatl) The newly merged Guatemalan and Mexican governments have admitted conspiring against ``the fat, happy, allegedly civilized country to our north'' in burning all their old, vinyl Frank Sonata albums. Said Guatamexican spokesperson Frijoles Refritos, ``they have not kept their promises to us of better mañanas, so we have decided to help them destroy their economy. If their air quality goes with it, is that our fault?''MICROSOFT TERRORISM
(MSNBC, Redmond) Microsoft, taking advantage of the fact that the US Justice Department and armed forces were preoccupied with other matters, quietly released Windows 98 today. Over 12 million computers are being infected per hour, and the most optimistic estimates indicate that within weeks no sane person will be left alive outside of third world countries.Microsoft executives refused to comment, but the USAF has tracked their private jets to remote jungle islands. According to a spokesperson for the US Joint Chiefs of Staff, the islands will be ``wiped off the face of the earth if we can get to them before our on-board systems are infected by Windows98.''
GLOBAL THERMO-UNCLEAR TERRORISM
(RNN, Austin) The government of the United States of Roadkills-R-Us issued a statement today denouncing NATO, India, the dead crooner Sonata, Microsoft, album-burning, and especially the Clinton White House. ``Why aren't we sending firefighters and CIA agents into Guatemexico? Why are we busy playing war games in San Antonio? Why has everyone forgotten Vince Foster?''The White House responded by offering the President of the USOR a week's free stay in the Lincoln bedroom, with the "Presidential family companion of your choice". USOR citizens call upon their government to respond with a giant raspberry, preferably launched from an orbital satellite onto the White House.
ECO-TERRORISM
[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam]We are horrified that some governments are calling for intervention in the Guatemexican ecology. Who is to say that this burning is not the natural state of the ecosystem? To intervene now would deprive billions upon billions of photosynthetic cells their chance to oxidize. The threat of intervention is eco-terrorism at its worst. If any of the so-called civilized nations intervene, we call upon all radical activists to hitch hike to one of the sensitive areas, and chain themselves to the nearest burning tree.
Signed,
The KneeJerks in Management
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