The Spumoni Belch

Vol VV

SPECIAL 23:59:61 EDITION --- Jan 22, 1998

If you snooze, we raise, the rent.

KENNEDY SUIT TOO BIG IN BRITCHES

Michael Kennedy's widow, depressed over the death of her estranged husband before she could finish trying to take his money in divorce court, has announced that she is consulting with a variety of TV lawyers over the possibility of suing the owners of the Colorado ski resort where her husband died.

Said Ms. Kennedy, ``I believe that the Ski Patrol was negligent. They should have done whatever it took to keep him from killing himself this way.''

To a reporter's query of what she meant, Ms. Kennedy replied, ``Stupidly, in a way that could be construed as suicidal, and too soon, so that I profit neither by divorce court nor by insurance.''

Reporter Howard Stern asked what the Ski Patrol should have done - ``arrest a Kennedy? Wouldn't it be quicker and less painful for them to just ski into trees themselves?'' Ms. Kennedy replied, ``Darned straight they should have arrested them. Better yet, they should have used snipers and taken him out. Ever since Dallas, all the Kennedys have a sniper rider on their insurance that pays double.''

KENNEDY GENES DEFECTIVE?

(WA, DC) Joe Kennedy appeared before Congress early this month and demanded that his remaining spawn be recalled for gene recalibration and replacement. His testimony was rather compelling.

``I left these assorted goobers, yahoos and weasels enough money that they should never have had to work again. I also taught them enough to survive without doing any major damage to themselves or anyone else. Obviously, it didn't take.

``Michael was just the latest case. But what was that nitwit doing? Did he think some LA cops were going to beat up a snowman, and he just had to get it on video?

``Or did he really believe all the hype about being invincible that gets printed by the tabloids?

``Either way, I think he and Ted prove my case. Please recall all that's left of my progeny, test them, fix the ones that are fixable, and "fix" all the rest.''

In a record, unanimous vote that crossed all party lines, the Senate and House agreed before a stunned America to call in the GhostBusters and ``chase Kennedy back into his grave where he belongs.''

Also unanimously, the senators and representatives refused to comment on this action. But Beltway gossip is that a number of them have "contacted their local vets".

Ralph Nader has promised to investigate.

STREISAND TRIES NEW CAREER

(Duh, Hollywood) Barbara Streisand, in a desperate career move, had decided that singing in public is not beneath her dignity. As her latest album was not only refused by all reviewers, but not even stolen at the Post Office, Streisand has decided that her public needs its faith restored, and deserves a chance to see and hear her, live.

Critics, music buyers, MTV producers and CD recycling services all agreed that this was a great idea, and promptly chipped in to send her to Antarctica to serenade the penguins. Said one Postal Worker who asked behind a high powered rifle not to be identified, ``It's probably a violation of some Protected Species Act, but better them than us.''

Streisand has admitted that she will use a stunt double for the "hard notes", and that on cold days she will be warm in her tour bus, while a super model wearing a false nose will fill in for her. ``We're calling it "The Way We Wish We Were Tour"''.

DARWIN HITS JACKPOT

A couple in Florida is suing a sweepstakes company for "false advertising", "failing to live up to our expectations", "mail fraud", "taking candy from babies" and "remote mass hypnosis". They have asked the court to declare them a class action lawsuit, and allow them to collect ``on behalf of all the other morons who got suckered in as well''.

Apparently the couple is part of a growing, nationwide trend in stupidity, which causes theoretically sane, educated people, people who can drive on the roads with you and me, people who can vote, people who all went to public schools, to read the "You may be a winner!" note on an envelope, and immediately reserve a charter jet to Tampa (why Tampa? Scientists are looking into this now) to pick up their check, in the meantime setting fire to their home since ``we can just pay it off, laugh at the bank, and buy a castle in Switzerland with all the money''.

The sweepstakes company has offered to settle out of court. Terms are mostly secret, but we weaseled a few out of a lonely secretary:

• Pay the couple's bus fare home.
• Rebuild their house.
• Give them thousands of dollars.
• Take some aspirin.
• Send all future correspondence in envelopes marked "You may already be a moron!"

ADAMS AFFIRMS SELF TO DEATH

(UM, UH) As noted mathematician and physicist Scott Adams rigorously proved in his recent, best-selling textbook, The Physics of Dilbert Trek, the universe is actually an infinite series of frozen universes, rather like a PopSickle^TM factory, only hurtling at you willy-nilly.

Using his patented ``Affirmative Action'' techniques, Adams decided to go for the Triple Crown of Heady Awards - Nobel prizes in physics, time distortion mathematics, and comics. Each day for a solid fortnight he wrote in indelible, inedible ink on a piece of Kevlar^TM reinforced rice paper the following phrase:

I will be more successful than Bill Gates.

And it worked.

Or so Adams says.

``Well, I realize that nobody in this universe saw it. But the Scott Adams that was here is now in the universe where he did win the Triple Crown. That's where I was. And now I'm stuck here, with Bill Gates planning to buy the digital rights to Dilbert and kick my pasty white stern clean off the Internet.

``So I'm affirming something, too. I'm affirming that I will soon marry Cindy Crawford and her imaginary twin sister, and the other Scott Adams will be run over by an ISDN installation truck, and Bill Gates will be convicted of violating Bill Clinton's name space, and sentenced to use a Mac the rest of his life.''

THE CLINTON CONNECTION

Dr. Matthew Legare has made his living tracking down obscure correlations. His hobby is Olympic Class leaps of logic. So when he delves into current events, even the White House had better listen, and fess, up.

``Michael Kennedy dies on a ski slope in a "freak" accident. Hours later, Sonny Bono dies on a ski slope in a "freak" accident. Kennedy's wife, nearly divorced, suddenly appears grief-stricken. Cher weeps on national TV. Flags at East Coast financial institutions and California government institutions fly at half mast. Coincidence?

``Or conspiracy?

``The Vince Foster murder was not only never solved, but quietly dropped. No autopsies were done on either "ski slope victim". Nobody knows anything. The White House denies all knowledge of either Kennedy's or Bono's actions, despite both having been seen in the same room with the President and her husband.

``Finally, at the time of the "accidents", the CIA had over two hundred agents for whose whereabouts it would not account for publicly. The BATF and FBI were conveniently nearby, but claim they were busy investigating a case of "unlawful potato cannon possession".

``Personally, I'm having a second skin of Kevlar^TM custom fitted before I hit the slopes again.''

MISSING DOCTOR FOUND

A physician reported missing several weeks ago in New York City was found dead today on the river bank beneath the Washington Bridge. Though the body was in plain view of pedestrians on the bridge, it had not been reported. This reporter asked a number of passersby whether they had noticed the body and if so, why they hadn't reported it.

(Tim Heap, Midlevel Manager, Queens) ``Look, I don't want to get involved. Besides, I don't carry a handgun any more, so I don't like to stick my nose in other peoples business.''

(Rich Rosen, Software Engineer, Hoboken) ``Sure I saw the guy. I thought it was performance art. I threw him a buck every day.''

(Evan Maloney, Street Person, Manhattan) ``I'm afraid of heights. So I never use the bridge. I go under it, walk across the river, stepping from old tire to old tire. But I'm also afraid of water, so I look up at the bridge. I did wonder about the smell...''

(Dave Makower, Key Grip, Brooklyn) ``I saw it, and I thought how great it would be if I could take a picture to the cops. But my Mac was down, so I was having to do all the artwork on a Windows box, so it was slow going. If the cops hadn't showed up, I would have been finished in another day or so, and then told them about it.''

(Patrica Ju, Author, Seattle) ``I think you have the wrong Washington-related bridge in mind. I did see a dead seagull the other day, if that helps.''

---

Ask Cousin It

Angela Malone asks:

I have similar hair to yours. Sometimes it gets in my face, too. What kind of shampoo do you use? Is it a "no tears" formula?"

I make my own, and yes it is a "no tears" formula. Here's the formula, straight from the PETC¹ Cookbook:

``Sun dry or oven roast 5 large, Hatch green chiles or equivalent. Bake three serranos for 15 minutes at 324 degrees. Fry two poblanos in the oil of one pureed jabañero to suit. Toss in blender with one large raw egg (de-shelled), 17.3 ounces of baby oil, 2.6 ounces of Ivory^TM or equivalent liquid dish detergent, one cup of white sugar, an aloe leaf, and whatever form of chitin you have handy (to taste).

``Put top on blender, and shake well for five minutes or until approximately the consistency of instant pudding. Pour 8 ounces into a large tumbler with 2 spoons of cocoa. Mix well, bake until a toothpick inserted into the center catches fire on contact. Save for dessert.

``Pour the rest into an empty shampoo bottle. Later. Rinse. Repeat.

``If you will do this twice a day, religiously, and after every snack, your hair and teeth will look just like mine.''

1. 101 Common Household Items To Make With Peppers Copyright 1996 by PETC (People for the Ethical Treatment of Chiles).

EVOLUTION IN ACTION?

[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam] The Tampa sweepstakes company is being much too nice. We at the Belch have discussed this, and wish to file an Amicus Brief (that's Latin for "hostile interference") with the court and the media-reading public.

In the interest of fair play, keeping the gene pool fresh, and continuing to subsidize bulk mail, we propose the following "alternative sentence" upon the sweepstakes clearing house:

• Show the couple which direction to hitch hike home on I-75.
• Notify the Florida State Patrol which exit they're at.
• Give them a refrigerator carton to live in.
• Give them thousands of 1997 rubles.
• Take some aspirin.
• Send all future correspondence in envelopes marked "You may already be a moron!"

Signed,
The KneeJerks in Management

Roadkills-R-Us is a trademark of Miles O'Neal.