The Spumoni Belch

Vol IX

SPECIAL Midnight EDITION --- Thanksgiving, 1997

If the news fits, wear it.

CALIFORNIA'S SEVEN DEADLY PLAGUES

(SFO, San Francisco) At a State Disaster Society (SDS) meeting October 31, researchers from a variety of disciplines discussed the likely fate of California, a state plagued by disasters both natural and unnatural.

Dr. David Carbuncle, the head of the California Disaster Center, closed the SDS meeting with these remarks.

``In summary, California has had more than its share of disasters in the past 30 years. On the natural disaster side, the earthquakes, fires, mud slides, drought, floods, hippies and valley girls accounted for a full 50% of the statistically likely disasters for the entire nation. Probabistically, this means that California is now in for approximately 75 years of total safety. We are urging people from states traditionally under-represented in natural disasters, such as New Mexico and Wyoming, to move here immediately. ``On the unnatural disaster side, most of the movies made this year bombed. We made less national news than Texas, Georgia, or even the Dakotas, for crying out loud. Therefore, by solemn vote, this august body has resolved to solicit the help of all citizens of this great state to demand that Jane Fonda run for Governor. Governess. Whatever.'' Carbuncle then went on to suggest that, ``since no more natural disasters are likely for three quarters of a century, California should disband most of its police, fire and rescue services, and spend that money on important services such as learning to communicate with trees. After all, they're people, too.'' CHINA - FIT FOR LEADERSHIP? (CNC, Detroit) On November 1, the Chinese people began a new regimen of fitness. All across the country, at the local time corresponding to noon in Beijing, all work, all play, all rest, everything came to a stop. And the whole country did jumping jacks for 15 minutes, all synchronized to a voice over the radio. Every man, woman and child. According to China's ambassador to the US (who spoke with us right after finishing his jumping jacks, which completely disrupted a meal in Times Square), ``This is the beginning of a new, healthier China. It is symbolic of our earnestness and zeal. The health of our nation, our economy, our schools, all will follow the lead of our bodies.'' SAN FRANCISCO'S LAST GASP (SPA, San Francisco) Several hours after the start of a new day for China, the last night hit San Francisco with a vengeance. A series of shocks, spaced approximately 1 second apart and lasting about 15 minutes, triggered the most violent earthquakes ever recorded in North America. Within minutes, the entire bay area, along with substantial real estate north and south, had surfed out into the Pacific. Several Japanese scientists have suggested China as the source of the shocks, but the Pentagon refuses to confirm the possibility of a new, Chinese ``super weapon''. SMOKY THE BEAR'S REVENGE (SIN, Hollywood) The last great commune in California disappeared today in a blaze of gunfire and explosions. Initial reports seemed to indicate a BATF raid on the ``Wolf's Den'', possibly for illegal possession of fully automatic chicken feeders such as the Spinks-o-matic, but a press release by the IOTASL (It Only Takes A Spark League) brought the truth to light. According to IOTASL President Smoky the Bear, two teams of IOTASL commandos destroyed the camp after learning that at least three people in the commune smoked, and another was a known user of an arc welding machine, ``a notorious sparking device capable of setting fires which could ravage the face of the entire planet, burning the surface down to bedrock, even in Antarctica.''

Special Agent Dirk Goober of the BATF expressed relief that his agency would not be blamed, but admitted later that he wished they'd gotten there first. ``We could have flattened the compound a lot better, and in the resulting fire, all incriminating evidence would have been destroyed.'' Only two hours later, IOTASL members, outraged at Goober's use of the word "fire", forced his vehicle off the road in the hills above Hollywood. The jeep's gas tank exploded, starting a fire which has in only seven hours destroyed most of the Los Angeles area. VALLEY GIRLS ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST (COS, Washington) Today the Department of Conservation officially added the Valley Girl to the list of Endangered Species. According to a highly placed official, only 17 are still accounted for in the entire world. These are being rounded up by a special team of Conservation, INS and FCC agents. Led by Moon Unit Zappa, the team expects to have them all in captivity within 24 hours. They will be transferred in mobile estates to a park in the Everglades for observation and protection. MUD SLIDE KILLS 17 (TAN, Laguna Gloria) Tammy Faye Bakker was scheduled to begin shooting her life story in Hollywood today. She was in a makeup room getting a mud pack facial to remove accumulated deposits of old makeup when a fire marshal broke in and escorted everyone out to a helicopter, which rushed them to safety only seconds before the studio burned. Watching the devastation of both the populace and her movie career from the fleeing helicopter, Ms. Bakker began crying in anguish. The mud pack, later estimated at 17 tons, fell over 1,000 feet onto a freeway, killing 17 people and injuring 100s more. The one saving grace of the situation, according to UCB professor Donald Thesaurus, is that the makeup deposits in the mud are ``worth millions if resold to Mary Kaye and other manufacturers. And we were darned lucky she only lost the mud from the left side of her face.'' The helicopter followed US Highway 1 up the Pacific Coast to a celebrity resort emergency makeup center on the Oregon border, where Ms. Bakker is ``resting and doing well, under the circumstances'', according to her personal physician, Dr. David Edward Herringbone, III. ``But she's terribly dehydrated. She's lost a lot of water and body salts, I'm not sure how. But I think she'll pull through.'' FLOOD WATERS ALREADY RECEDING (FIA, Cosa Nostra) Mysterious salty rain fell in torrents along a line paralleling US Highway 1 between Hollywood and the northern California state line. Over 17 inches fell in a couple of hours, moving north from the Los Angeles area. Local weatherperson Michael Perky said ``the mysterious storm occurred during broad daylight, with no sign of clouds. But the really odd thing is that a lot of people reported hearing a helicopter just before the rain hit. Someone suggested that the helicopter was trying to seed clouds, but no clouds were seed.'' (sic) ``But that doesn't account for the salt.'' As of this morning, the flood waters were receding. Because of the unusual salt content (``exactly that of human tears, by some bizarre act of fate'', said noted UCB weatherman David Brinkley, III), no ecological impact to the Pacific is expected.

---

Ask Cousin It

Katina Guerra asks:

Often at work we have bagels left over after a meeting. I leave them in the paper bags, because I've heard that bagels stay better this way. Do you know if this is true or not?

Absolutely. According to PETB ¹ :

``Bagels are not individuals, but a community, sort of a hive mind. The ultimate expression of "It Takes a Village". When you remove a bagel from its community, it dies fairly quickly; eating it immediately is the most humane thing you can do.

``Furthermore, the bagel home, or "bag" is a source of security and comfort, not unlike the human womb, except that bagels cannot survive outside the bag. Fortunately for the bagels, nobody really knows how they reproduce; certainly no baby bagels ever appear inside a bag. This has kept bagel slavery and experimentation to a minimum.''

1. Save the Bagels: A Manifesto For Donut Shaped Breads Copyright 1997 by PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Bread).

KILLDEER - FRIEND OR FOE?

[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam]

During the past year, a number of friends have been attacked by wild deer. These friends, innocently driving along at night, suddenly found themselves the victims of ruthless, vicious does and bucks. These animals, like oversized, rabid rodents, take on cars weighing several times as much as themselves. One friend in Ohio lost two cars to deer within one month.

As these traditionally peaceful animals become ever more bold, how long will it be before they start coming into our very homes, perhaps sneaking around inside the walls at night, creeping about in search of cheese, leaving huge pellets everywhere, and perhaps leaping at us as we sleep, destroying our beds, scaring us awake, maybe making us wet our peejays in fright?

I think it's high time the government Do Something. Perhaps we need a Department of Killdeer. Maybe the BATF could train them. Or at least provide us all with giant mousetraps. And there should still be plenty of federal cheese stocked away as bait.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. President Clinton, please hurry. I'm not asking so much for me, but for my friends around this great village we call the United States of America. People like Andy Whitman and Sam Ward, both of whom have now had two shaves so close you could see bone (metaphorically speaking).

But I have to admit I've been hearing noises in my walls, and I'm nervous.

By the way, if it's a buck, could I keep the antlers?

Signed,
The KneeJerks in Management

Roadkills-R-Us is a trademark of Miles O'Neal.