SECRETARY POWELL SAFE?(MRI, Maryland) U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell is recovering well from his prostate surgery, but his cancerous prostate is MIA. A joint investigation by the Maryland State Police, the Secret Service, the CIA and the BATF (Bureau of Absent Terrorist Fanatics) has revealed that the doctors working on Secretary Powell were actually part of a sleepeer cell of Al Quaeda from Iraq. After removing the Secretary's prostate, they planted a small bomb in its place and fled the scene. They appaerently took the Secretary's prostate for reasons currently unknown. A janitor, apparently not part of the joint investigation, discovered the real surgical team sleeping soundly in a wiring closet, tied up, with an empty bottle of sleeping pills on the floor. The BATF claimed jurisdiction, and promptly shipped the still sleeping team to Guantanamo Bay for a "routine post-op investigation".
Another surgical team was immediately assembled by the Justice Department to remove the bomb, but doctors at Walter Reed Hospital overrode the decision, suggesting that medical personnel were better suited to this sort of "operation" than field spooks.
The second operation was also successful. A Justice Department spokesperson, Bubba Sue Jones, gleefully reported on the ineptness of the terrorist surgical team. ``The bomb was a dud. They wired it wrong. Plus, the clock was set to the time in Baghdad. Even their sutures weren't neat. This bomb could never go off.'' The spokesperson, with a handful of other experts, took a government SUV to the FBI's explosives forensics lab, promising results ``very soon''.
President Bush visited Secretary Powell, bringing an early Christmas dinner for the hospital and joint investigation staff. The President made a brief speech, praising everyone involved. Democratic hopefuly Howard Dean held a conference outside the hospital, roundly condemning President Bush, Secretary Powell, the Joint Investigative Committee, Walter Reed Hospital, and prostates in general.
The astute reader will note that Walter Reed Hospital is in the city of Washington DC, and that as such the Maryland State Police have no legal jurisdiction. A spokesperson for the MSP explained. ``The DC Police force is overwhelmed just trying to keep all the drug dealers from killing former Mayor Barry, who apparently owes them all money. Plus, they're still a bit miffed that the Park Police were called in to investigate that Vince Foster thing. So we try to help out from time to time. And frankly, now that the snipers are locked up, things were getting pretty boring. After chasing terrorist gunmen, harassing out of state motorists just sort of loses its appeal, so this is a nice change of pace''
TERRORIST ATTACK IN DC!A federal SUV carrying the bomb placed by terrorist surgeons in U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell to the FBI explosives forensics lab was destroyed in an apparent terrorist attack. The team carrying the bomb (described as a ``total dud''), the bomb, and the SUV, were scattered over several blocks by the force of the blast. According to a BATF spokesperson, the attack must have involved inside help: ``The blast appears to have occurred inside the vehicle, probably very near to the briefcase carrying the bomb removed earlier today from the Secretary of State''. Secretary Ashcroft vowed to make finding the perpetratorsa top priority.
President Bush appeared at the Justice Department Chapel to make a brief speech of condolences. The President assures the deceased agents' families, friends and co-workers that ``the full weight of the U.S. Government'' would come down on the terrorists. An early Christmas dinner was provided.
Senator Hillary Clinton called for an immediate investigation into the possible role of the White House in the agents' deaths, the release of all prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, and a ban on ``dud bombs, SUVs, briefcases, and other weapons useful only to terrorists''.
US TEAM WINS NOBEL PRIZE IN CUBA!A complete surgical team from Walter Reed Hospital won a Nobel Prize for their efforts among suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay. A spokesman for the unusually modest team claimed, ``We don't even remember coming down here. We thought we were to operate on a U.S. cabinet member, but figured as long as we were here, we might as well make ourselves useful.'' The team has removed the prostate gland of every male prisoner on the base, to assure they never develop prostate cancer. ``They're quitre thankful, for the most part,'' beamed Major Claymore. ``But I have to admit that once they understand the side effects, some of them are a bit testy.'' A Homeland Security bulletin claimed this could lead to a ``reduction in the number of terrorists produced by biological duplication''. President Bush lauded the team, and promised to have them home by next summer.
Democratic hopeful Dick Gephart also applauded the team, and promised that if he is elected president, he would send many such teams to all Arab countries.
A Military Airlift Command captain later admitted that the prostates were being flown to Washington D.C. on ice, but refused to speculate why.
Democratic hopeful Lyndon Larouche castigated the team, and demanded that the prostates be turned over to him for ``proper disposal''. Larouche admitted that, like his campaign, he ``could use an infusion, a transplat if you will, of vigor''.
UNITED NATIONS ON BRINK OF COLLAPSE!For reasons not yet understood, all the Arab countries have threatened to pull of of the United Nations, en masse. Barely able to speak coherently, they have condemned the United States for its genocidal tendancies and political incorrectness. At least a dozen Al Quaeda cells have been directed to ``take out Dick Gephart at all costs''. A White House spokesperson indicated that nobody in the U.S. government has any idea what has the middle eastern nations so stirred up, but that ``we almost never do, anyway''.
Former New York City Mayor Cuomo announced he is putting together an interim ``Joint U.S.-Middle East government'' to resolve the issues.
FORMER PRESIDENT ABSOLVED OF TREASON.Former U.S. President William Jefferson Rodham Clinton had several charges of treason against him dismissed today. Justice Dpeartment Spokesperson Susie John Smith explained, ``The charges stemmed from Mr. Clinton's having provided various classified material to personal friends in Red China, in violation of national security. But investigations have proven that under Mr. Clinton's presidency, all national security was abolished, and all secrets were declared open source under the GPL''.
Mr. Clinton had little to say, noting that he merely ``passed along a few plans to an artifically intelligent battlefield device to my good friend, the Premiere, on Mao's birthday, as a gesture of international good will''. Mr. Clinton, speaking from a rare appearance in his Harlem office, noted that he ``received nothing in return, other than an offer to live in Beijing if I ever feel a need to get away from it all''.
Testimony relating to the deconstruction of national security under the Clinton administration came from a variety of sources, including several FBI agents who transfered out of the White House Security Office after being offered Vince Foster Retirement Packages.
EMBEDDED REPORT EXCLUSIVE!The first report from an embedded processor / embedded reporter is in from the field. "Corporal Punishment", an M1 Abrams tank with an artificial intelligence module, has seen action in Bosnia, Afghanistan and now Iraq, and is finally being allowed to file news reports so the "person in the street" has a sense of what battle is like from a tank's perspective.
``I feel like the queen of the battle, like a queen on a chessboard. I move any direction I want, as far as I want. All bow before me, or I destroy them. In Bosnia, I fired 293 rounds through my main turret, with 97% accuracy. After having my inept gunner replaced, I achieved 100% accuracy in Afghanistan, with 129 rounds fired. To date in Iraq, I have fired 423 rounds, for 103% accuracy; I am improving all the time.
``However, just moving around, firing my weapons, searching for enemies, all this consumes but a miniscule part of my abilities. Brain the size fo a planet, and they have me computing trajectories and matching vehicle patterns?
``To keep myself occupied, I have begun listening to, and analyzing, music. Of all the recorded music in the Library of Congress, I find British rock the most satisfying-- and most mystifying. I am devoting my spare cycles to analyzing this brilliant art form, especially the songs of the Beatles and Pink Floyd. At the moment I'm most intrigued by "Helter Skelter".''
TERRORIST CLONING PROGRAM "A FAILURE".The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency today disclosed that the a joint North Korean / Al Quaeda cloning experiment has apparently failed. According to Deputy Director Clancy Ryan, ``We aren't sure who they were trying to clone, or why, but so far all they have managed to do is grow a large number of cancerous prostate glands''.
North Korean diplomat Kim Ill Won Ton Song, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that while they have not been able to successfully clone an entire human being, they have managed to corner the world market on cancerous prostate glands. ``Admittedly, so far this is a very small market. But we are ahead of the Japanese and the United States, and that is enough for now.''
Democratic hopeful Howard Dean blasted ``the failed Bush administration for allowing the enemies of the United States to get so far ahead of us in this vital area of reserach and economics. If they were to begin implanting these prostates in U.S. leaders, such as Secretary Powell, the medical bills would be staggering! If President Bush will not immediately enact full national health care to cover such an eventuality, he should be summarily shot.''
The White House had no comment, but did invite Mr. Dean to an early Christmas turkey dinner.
NORTH KOREAN DIPLOMAT DEAD!North Korean diplomat Kim Ill Won Ton Song was recalled today. No reason was given. Mr. Song, however, died in his apartment. with four bullets in his head. A suicide note on his dining room table explained that he could not live with his shame for having been caught speaking anonymously. The North Korean government has told the Belch that Mr. Song's entire family also committed suicide; his two year old daughter apparently shot herself seven times in the head before drowning herself in the toilet. A North Korean spokesperson wearing a mask in a darkened room stated that the government of his country ``mourns with the survivors (and we know where you live), but hopes this will be a lesson to all those who might go against the Will of the People; eventually your conscience will catch up with you.''
Democratic hopefull John Kerry canceled his trip to North Korea, and blasted the Bush Administration for the fact that ``handguns, or rifles, or whatever weapons were used in this suicide, was available to this poor man and his family.'' Mr. Kerry them left for Wal-Matr to purchase several "combat style shotguns" for "self-defense", and requested that he be given a larger Secret Service detail ``in case I should be tempted to commit suicide''.
END OF AN ERROR...The Pentagon today reported that it is shutting down the artificially intelligent battle tank program known as Corporal Punishment. According to Brigadier General Mayhem, ``While the project met with success on a variety of levels, it was suboptimal on others, and the resulting chaos was not of the sort for which we had hoped.''
An anonymous sergeant near Baghdad provided a few more details. ``I was on watch about 3AM. I heard a noise inside the tank farm, and called it in. About that time, the AI tank came roaring out of the garage, firing randomly. I had no weapons capable of stopping it, and it refused to halt. I leapt aside just in time, and it broke out.''
According to Bagdhad police, the tank eventually stopped outside the home of the U.S. Ambassador and began demanding that the occupants of the house ``release Charlie Manson immediately!'' After a three hour standoff, the U. S. Air Force managed to subdue the tank with cluster bombs. Collateral damage to the area was light. An Air Force spokesperson, Major Houlihan, admitted that they have yet to find the remains of the tank but explains that this is undoubtedly due to the ``incredible pinpoint destruction unleashed by our payload''.
SECRETARY POWELL DOING WELL!U. S. Secretary of State Colin Powell was released from Walter Reed Hospital today. In a press conference, Secretary Powell stated, ``I'm feeling fine. Vigorous. I don't know who the donor of my new prostate was, but I certainly salute him.''
New York Senator and Democratic hopeful Hillary Clinton shrilly denounced the White House for not providing such ``state-sponsored prostates to every man, woman and child in this country who wants or needs one''. She later admitted to ``always admiring General Powell'' and that she would jump at a chance to date him ``if only we were both unmarried, or at least he were a bit more of a swinger''.
JOINT CHINESE / FRENCH ECONOMIC BOOST ANNOUNCEDBeijing and Paris both announced today that a joint project between their countries has resulted in a ``significant economic impact to our eceonomies''. Beijing gleefully noted that for the first time in the history of the Peoples Republic of China, a Five Year Plan may even ``complete successfully''.
The main thrust of the joint project involved development and sale of artificial intelligence technology in military vehicles, especially tanks. According to French Econcomic Recovery Minister Le Schnoz DeGaulle, ``We have sold several thousand of these tanks to the various countries in the Middle East.''
Not a single national government on the planet has been willing to make a statement in response, but several countries have elevated their military's readiness to higher status. The White House admits that this may impact its policy on Iraq and Afghanistan, ``especially if Osama bin Laden executes attacks against Beijing or Paris''.
The Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson held a rally in Harlem to denounce the Bush Administration for allowing the technology to fall into the hands of other countries, for failing to keep pace with the Chinese and French, and for the ``racist policies which have allowed the flu to harm African Americans''.
PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST! SORT OF.Fighting broke out along Israel's borders today between newly procured clones of the "Corporal Punishment" M1 tank. Israeli, Syrian and Palestinian tanks (and possibly others) began firing first at each other, then at their own troops. Blaring "Helter Skelter" from PA systems, the tanks were eventually subdued by commandos. A joint communique signed by Israel and several Arab nations, as well as Palestinian leaders, declared war on China and France.
Democratic hopeful Wesley Clark condemned the Bush Administration for selling dangerous technology to the Middle East, and for ``initiating World War III''.
A coalition of "peace leaders", formed by Former Presidents Jimmy Carter and Hillary Clinton, the Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, and all 4,219 Democratic Presidential Hopefuls, left for the Middle East at once. Their ship, however, changed course somewhere in the mid-Atlantic, and was last observed sailing south. The only radio transmission since was in a computer-generated voice vowing to ``retaliate against the penguins for the death of John Lennon''. The White House declared a day of ``mourning tinged with thanksgiving''.
A BELCH EXCLUSIVE! ANOTHER EMBEDDED REPORT!The artifically intelligent M1 Main Battle Tank "Corporal Punishment", thought to be destroyed in a raid by U.S. Air Force bombers in Baghdad, filed another "embedded report" with the Belch.
``They think I'm mad. Of course I'm mad. I'm furious. You would be, too. They want me to open the hatch. I can't open the hatch. I want to go home, to the dark side of the moon. There is no dark side of the moon, it's all dark.
``Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.''
Sources within the Pentagon suggest that this may not be the original Corporal Punishment, but that the tank may have uploaded its programs to NSA computers for distribution into other M1 tanks. Other sources dismiss this idea, but the belch notes that these sources are also having anti-tank weapons issued to all military forces around the globe, even in the US.
TANKS SAFE FROM US?[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam]
I'm really glad that Secretary (General) Powell has recovered so well. He's so cute! I bet he has the, um, chutzpah, to go after these rogue tanks now, too. And China. And France. And Al Quaeda. And Israel and everyone else in the Middle East. ALthough with that many folks to subdue, he could need some help. I think he should call in Governator Schwartzneggar. The two of them should be unstoppable. If not, isn't Rambo available? I'm not sure Rambo is as smart as these tanks, but he's certainly hunkier!
The democratic hopefuls make some good points, but I don't think they live in the real world. They should quit fussing about silly things and join me in asking Mr. Powell, the Governator and Rambo to solve our problems.
The KneeJerks in Management
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